I think I'm Paranoid

Basically, as the title says, I'm too possessive and paranoid in my relationship. I guess the possessiveness isn't a problem so much anymore because I've kind of stopped it. But the paranoia is a huge problem. I’m still trying. Until tonight I see a lie-signs of my man. I can read his mind if he is thinking about his ex or he keep a heart feeling to another. To be honest, I read this from his way of laugh, talk, and also social media. Thank God for this technology.

I have to say that sometimes I love being a possessive and paranoid girlfriend to him. I’m not ashamed to say that and to admit it. I have to show my man that I’m aware. In my own point of view mistakes is all round and its for him to control his life and self and I’m the one who personally tell him honestly that he have to do his part as a man who have this deep responsibility to take good care of his girl not to hurt her feelings. Second chances never be accepted for me and its for the man who can appreciate the effort, but I’m not saying that being a possessive girl have to control her man's life but to guide their relationship with the help of God in between. Of course I can’t be with a man who trust from the very beginning of my relationship I put all your trust to him but still I have to remind him of my responsibility as a couple. This is my opinion, I just wanna share ...

I've talked to him about it and he's very understanding. He's absolutely brilliant, actually. If I'm having a day where I feel anxious about something I can tell him "I feel stressed today" and he'll understand what I mean and will understand if I go a bit quiet on him.

We're in a long distance relationship, but I’m fine with that. We see each other regularly and are happy together. It's just these bloody stupid thoughts in my head that I want to go away. I have tried so hard to fix it. I mean, I'm a hell of a lot better than I was. I used to be this possessive cow and got mad at him if he even went out with his friends, until he sat me down and told me what I was doing was wrong. I immediately copped on and stopped it. Most of the time, I don't tell him about these irrational fears. I'm fine with him going out with his mates a few nights a week or whatever he wants. I just want him to enjoy himself and have a laugh, I really have no problem now with him being a normal-adult-boy.

It's just that when I get these ridiculous thoughts, it's very hard to shake them. If I get bad, I'll just try to calm, cry, praying, and sleep it off but I can't rely on that. I need to overcome it.

While it's great to show my man I love him, I also need to show him that I trust him, and the trust part of the deal sometimes seems the hardest. After all, unless he was pure as driven snow when I first got together, he's bound to have a history with some other girl somewhere. Even if he is that pure, he still may come with other people's baggage. I’m afraid with his past. His beautiful ex-girl in his past.

First year of relationship is hard, we put trust give full understanding, but watch out could be the reason abuse my confidence. That happened sometimes and I give him an ultimatum ‘till down his knees begged a second chance, means he really loves me. But I’m still afraid. How we can engaged then get marry soon. Being possesive is not right in a relationship, I wanna give a space for him. But I’m still afraid of the beautiful sexy girls outside, even some of them already being a mommy now. I’m still afraid.  It has occurred during dating, it is very likely to continue after marriage.

I Just wanna us act like a couple of French angelfish. This beautiful fish is sullen-faced, but they are faithful to each other. They will navigate the seas together, hunt and build nests both as a cohesive team. Or like Black-Vulture bird which very protective and possessive. Once they find their partner cheating, they will be very fierce.

I just want him to be honest about his feeling. I just need him to stay away from other girls. I just love him as my own. I need him to forget all the past, memories with his exes, then build a new world with me. 

"Don't do anything by half. If you love someone, love them with all your soul. When you go to work, work your ass off. When you hate someone, hate them until it hurts." - Henry Rollins

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